Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
