good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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