I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
