I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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