So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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