why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You're like the curious george of whores
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
