Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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