Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
