You work out of a Hotel?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
