Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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