he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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