Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
A+ Viking dick
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
