But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
