I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
