when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.