OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
