if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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