so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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