life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
soo... how was my night?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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