I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
