piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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