I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
