I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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