I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
