I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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