Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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