She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
