Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
