i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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