she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
