And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Panties = found
Randomize
