My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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