WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
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she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
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I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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