i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I want her autograph on my taint
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
