I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
