My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Please don't give away my fajitas
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
