Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize
