i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
