New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
God, I missed his penis.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
