i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
