I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
