Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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