Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
