please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
