you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
