I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
