Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
