Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
