Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
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