Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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