Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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