I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
