question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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