hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
