If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I am spending my child support on dildos
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
