I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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