i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
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